California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
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When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.