Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
You Might Also Like
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
WHY would you be happy about this?
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
This probably isn’t good
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now