A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
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The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
Terribly Tuesday.
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
idk what he going thru but i feel him
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.