Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
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Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
🤣🤣
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
Ok but actually