Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
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Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
bias laundering edition
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
Feels like there should be a middle ground
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?