My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
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Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?