SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
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Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme