I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
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I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
no one ever comes back
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
Swedish for common sense.
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.