Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
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God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
Dietest Coke
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…