90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
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I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
I didn’t realize that was an option
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.