My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
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“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.