FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
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ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision