Why does laundry happen to good people?
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What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
Proctology is located in A55
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
What number SPF blocks people?
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.