When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
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Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
X-tra spooky blend
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.