doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
You Might Also Like
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in