Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
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Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.