My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
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My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
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Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?