Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
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Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged