Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
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me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes