Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
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Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes