Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
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Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.