Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
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Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
I was bored.