If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
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genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.