Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
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*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*