ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
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When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real