Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
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[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
That stupid look on my face, is my face
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded