*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
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Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD