A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
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I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
White Castle for the Win
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He鈥檚 on his 4th tour of Ikea.
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I鈥檓 here all week馃槵
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
{1st date}
HER:What鈥檚 your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.