[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
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her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
6. me as a lawyer
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
they should invent a rest for the wicked
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
Livid.
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks