Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
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Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts