The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
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Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
Just so funny
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me