Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
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The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
Basketball
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
bout dat hot dog summer
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas