If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
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[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
Fat chances are my favorite chances
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.