Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
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I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
i hate you platonically
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”