Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
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couldn’t resist
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.