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I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
called in thicc to work this morning
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK