my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
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How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.