My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
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Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
Hey I worked for it too!
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.