[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
You Might Also Like
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
You better watch out
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February