*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
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sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser