Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
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Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores