My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
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This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
What kind of a cult is this?
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks