The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
You Might Also Like
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
#damn
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
if I can survive this, I can survive anything