I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
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“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken