“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
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13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.