Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
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i was baptized in a car wash
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers