ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
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Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
Good Morning.
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)