I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
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guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name