Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
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Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
😂💯
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage