[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
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Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.